GUEST COLUMN! These Cabinet Picks Make Me Wonder If Trump Is Serious About Peace

Edited by Spencer Ackerman and Sam Thielman

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OK, NOW TO INTRODUCE TODAY'S GUEST COLUMN. All of you will be familiar with longtime pundit François Dullard. I've shared multiple newsrooms with Dullard over the years, and I've gotten to know him as a colleague – and since we all just call him Frank, it can be hard to think of him as his illustrious byline! When Frank's column "Dullard's Diagnosis" was discontinued, it was a big loss, especially when he didn't start his long-predicted Substack. This week, Dullard's mind has been positively racing – even giving him some of his patented "Dullard Difficulties" reconciling Trump's cabinet nominations with the peaceful inclinations that Dullard has consistently written about Trump possessing, no matter how many links I spam our group chat with. So I figured I would offer this edition of FOREVER WARS to one of the longest-serving columnists in the game, François Dullard, as he examines his priors as to whether he might have been somehow… wrong about Trump?! 

So without further ado, here's the long-awaited return of "Dullard's Diagnosis" by François Dullard! 

FOR AS LONG AS YOU'VE BEEN READING “Dullard’s Diagnosis,” you've been familiar with Dullard Diagnostic #1: the two American political parties are polar opposites. If the Democrats are for X, the Republicans are for Y. In our age of hyper-polarization, that basic truth has only grown truer. When the Republicans were for the Global War on Terror, the Democrats weren't, even though nearly all of them seemed like they were. Remember, there are no exceptions to Dullard Diagnostic #1. 

Starting under Barack Obama, and continuing through Joe Biden's tenure, there was a big, big shift. The Democrats were for war—that is, for a strong national security against a hostile world, as they always should have been. That meant the Republicans were for peace—and when Donald Trump descended down that gold elevator in 2015 and criticized the War on Terror (unfortunately, to your faithful Dullard, but—say it with me!—Dullard Digresses!), he showed that the Republicans were more firmly for peace than ever. You've read a lot of Dullard's Diagnoses making that point. 

Sure, Trump had a lot of vulgar ways of expressing his desire for peace. But all the elitists who had a problem with his language (which, to be clear, I also disapprove of) were just out of touch. They don't know how working-class people like the president or my Uber driver like to talk. And they definitely didn't remember Dullard Diagnostics #2 and #3: vulgarity is just authenticity; and authenticity can't be faked. 

So your columnist must admit to having trouble with our Dullard Diagnostics at the Dawn of Donnie Part Deux. His cabinet picks seem to be pretty comfortable with, well, war. And that just doesn't make sense. Does The Donald defy Dullard's Diagnostics? 

It sure seems like we have a Dullard Dilemma here! I mean, Mike Waltz, the Warrior Diplomat, as national security adviser? He was against withdrawing from Afghanistan, something I agree with, even though it was Trump who negotiated the withdrawal with the Taliban, which I disagreed with! Waltz even wants to start a war in Mexico, and is second to none in his desire to curb Chinese power—although when it comes to China, Dullard distinguishes: Waltz and Trump want a Cold War, which history shows can't be a shooting war. And, months before October 7, Waltz wanted the U.S. to let Israel bomb Iran—which, to be clear, shows toughness.

And Waltz isn't alone. On his way to Foggy Bottom is Marco "Little Marco" Rubio, whose cherubic cheeks drive Dullard to distraction.  He was a leading proponent of the unlucky U.S. coup in Venezuela. Marco, as he doesn't stop me from calling him, was also a leading voice against the awful Obama deal to stop Iranian nuclearization. For over a decade he's favored the pragmatic alternative of bombing Iran and seeing what happens. Holy neocon, Batman! 

Rounding out the Big Three of National Security Jobs (SecState, APNSA—a Dullard Don't is abbreviating the Assistant To The President for National Security as "NSA" since national security adviser is not a formal title, but Dullard Digresses—and SecDef) is Pentagon-bound Pete Hegseth. Pete I remember getting to admire when he lobbied Congress for the Iraq Surge, which we all know won the war for Uncle Sam, which in turn is why there aren't troops in Iraq 15 years later. He doesn't have any experience in the world's most complex and highest-stakes bureaucracy, but he'll make up for it with his enthusiasm for bombing Iran. 

Would I call Hegseth unqualified? No, because he served in Guantanamo, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I would never disrespect our troops. That respect issue was central to how your Dullard understood Hegseth push for clemency for accused or convicted war criminals. Don't we want to have our troops' backs when times are the hardest? Wow, Hegseth the soldier has Dullard Discombobulated! I guess what I'm saying is that Hegseth is a hero—and he sure is a hawk! Also, Trump may set up a board to purge generals he considers disloyal but I can't be expected to think about how that fits into the mix at a time like this. 

And just look at what's going on with our allies in Israel right now. We can have Dullard Disputes about word choices to describe it, but there's no doubt that these are bad optics. Dullard Despairs that after a year of tough fighting, the world still doesn't understand that the last thing Israel wants is to ethnically cleanse Gaza, and for that matter the West Bank, but I guess that's just antisemitism for you. But I really wonder about making Mike Huckabee ambassador to Israel right as the one bearded guy in the Israeli cabinet who's name I can't ever pronounce is talking about annexing the West Bank. Huckabee has said he wants to buy a home in a West Bank settlement, and even that there's no such thing as a Palestinian. Tell that to my falafel guy—and get him to hurry up with my falafel! 

Dullard Drollery aside, this is getting confusing.